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Suicidal Depression
For 11 years I had suicidal bipolar type II - depression. Everyday I would on average have 4-7 suicidal thoughts. I was truly disabled. I was functioning at maybe 5% of what I used to be. I was just languishing in such darkness.
For years I didn't know I had bipolar depression. Typically with type II bipolar, you live in a suicidal depression for 99% of your life. Every 3-4 months I would have 4 or 5 days of having a huge amount of energy in comparison to normal. That was considered hypomania. It just looked a lot like the old person I used to be as happy with incredible amounts of energy.
That is why bipolar type II can be really tricky to figure out. If you hypomania isn't really far out there in relation to doing weird stuff, it can be hard to track that it's hypomania.
My truly incredible, one-of-a-kind husband is the most kind, strong, and truly best human on this earth! I literally thank God everyday I married him and that he is the father of my children. For these 11 years that I have truly fallen apart, he has held everything together.
Do you know
what it's like to live in "survival mode" for 15 years? Ugh... I do. I
would not wish it on anyone. Truly not anyone.
15 years ago, the terrible depression started. It was 11 years ago that it became suicidal depression. It's beyond difficult. You can't possibly know the sacrifices that were made. The trauma that we all went through.
I
have done a whole lot of work over the years. I learned what depression
was. I read books, I took classes, I watched videos, I read articles, I
read studies. I went to therapists, I took medications that made
everything worse. I joined groups, I journaled, I took herbal remedies, I used essential oils, I exercised, I went to the temple, fasted and prayed, and read my scriptures.
I learned so much over the years. I was able to
gather so many incredible tools, learning how to deal
with depression, and how to deal with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.
In fact, I can truly say, I learned how to have depression but not suffer in it. What do I mean by that? I learned how to be kind to myself. I don't allow self-hate talk. I used cognitive behavioral therapy to unravel distorted thoughts (all that self-hate talk especially). I learned to to learn how to love myself just the way that I am.
I learned how to accept the way that my life was - that
I might not ever get better. This might be the path that God has chosen
for me, and I got to a point in which I was at peace with that. His will be done. If this was His plan for me to truly learn what long-suffering was, I was okay with that.
But that didn't mean the depression didn't go away. It just meant that I really learned and understood my triggers. I learned that when I had suicidal thoughts that became suicidal plans, that it wasn't anything to panic over, but I turned to my safety plan and went to work.
Those thoughts were red flags that I wasn't okay. It meant that I needed to simplify my life (even more!!), have less time with the kids, go away by myself, or do whatever I needed to do to be able to get back to a stable place of just thinking of wanting to die, instead of planning it.
Ketamine
God led me first to ketamine. It's an incredible medicine that does similar work that psilocybin does. It immediately took my suicidal thoughts away, and immediately took the depression away. It was incredible! It was a miracle!
After 15 years of trying to find something that would help me, I finally found the group of medicines that makes my brain okay - psychedelics!
Although ketamine was working for me, there were some serious drawbacks to it.
First, it's crazy expensive, and it was ALL out of pocket. But if you have ever felt this level of desperation that I have, you would be willing to pay a lot to get some relief from the relenless and hopelessness of depression.
The nearest ketamine clinic was 2 hours away. So I had to spring for 1 night stay at a hotel for each dose of ketamine I had.
The ketamine treatment itself was $325 with just the physician, and $500 with the nurse and therapist. That is for each dose!
The first two weeks they like to have 6 doses ($1950 for the medicine, plus 8 days for the hotel) to get into a therapeutic range, and to find out what dose works for you.
Then the doses went to monthly. Each dose I had, the ketamine lasted shorter and shorter amounts of time. After the first 6 doses, the anti-depressant effects lasted for 2 weeks.
A month later, it lasted one week.
A month later, it lasted 3 days.
A month later, it lasted 1 day.
A month later, there were no anti-depressant effects.
I knew I wasn't therapeutic anymore, and there were some serious problems with communicating this to the doctor. I changed from IV to IM during this time as well (intravenous meaning it went in my vein and intramuscular meaning it when in my muscle).
All I knew was this medicine that fixed my brain, that turned on the light in my head, was not working anymore!
God was leading me another way. I knew it was time to move onto the next medicine in this category. I live in Oregon so psilocybin was everywhere in the news. I was feeling more drawn to this medicine. There were several things in my life and in my spiritual life that were pointing me to try psilocybin next.
Psilocybin
Psilocybin
is the major active ingredient in "magic mushrooms" that will create
psychedelic effects. That is why they are called psilocybin mushrooms.
My first dose of psilocybin.... Dec 11, 2022 - 3 grams of psilocybin mushrooms
I will never forget it.
Psilocybin mushrooms have literally saved my life.
I went from functioning at a 5% level in my life as a mom and wife, to now I would say more like 75% and 80%. I have so much more energy! I used to have 4-7 suicidal thoughts in a day, and since I've been taking psilocybin mushrooms regularly, I have not had ANY! It's truly a miracle.
Did you read that closely?!?
I don't have suicidal thoughts anymore!!! Psilocybin took away my suicidal thoughts and depression!!
I have bipolar type II, and have been living with suicidal depression for 11 years.
Psilocybin mushrooms have given my life back and literally saved my life!! I used to not be able to spend much time with my children because it would be too overwhelming or over-stimulating. Now I play with them all the time!
My children comment on it all the time, how I have more energy, and I have a desire to be with them. I have had all of my children at different times tell me how much this means to them, with tears in their eyes.
How can you even measure such power and such difference in a person's life?!?
I am truly a new person. It's weird, because I have accessed the person I was before being depressed... happy, energetic, fun, highly motivated, goal-oriented.
I'm still that person, but I'm also a different person.
When you have been called to endure long-suffering, you travel a road that makes you into a better person. It's literally like metal that is refined. It's super heated so that the dross can be taken away and tossed. Then it's heated some more and heated some more and then beaten, and heated, and beaten, and heated, and beaten, until it's what the creator wants the metal to become.
I have endured the heat, and I have endured the beating. Me and my whole family have. Somehow we survived, and I know that we are better people because of it.
So when I say that mushrooms have saved my life, it couldn't be more true.
It literally took away thoughts of wanting to kill myself, but it also gave me my life back.
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