How to Stop Torturing Yourself, With Your Thoughts

Torturing Yourself With Your Thoughts

 

Depression and other mental illnesses can really mess with how you see yourself, and how you think about yourself. Personally, as I lost my ability to be able to do normal things for myself and my family (showering regularly, meal planning, volunteering at church and school, shopping for food, cleaning, etc.), I felt like a total and utter failure. 

 

I felt useless, with all of my value as a human being wrapped in what I could and couldn't do. 

These feelings and thoughts got worse and worse as the years ticked by. It was more devastating than I could possibly express. My world was slowly getting smaller and smaller, and as I had to give up different things, I was constantly in a grieving process or several. I started telling myself that I was a failure (which I'm not), and then eventually I KNEW that I was a failure. 

As I was unable to do normal things that people do, I started to think that I was a lazy person (which I'm not) and then eventually I KNEW that I was a lazy person. 

 

Let me tell you the truth....

 

You are NOT a failure. You are sick. 

 

You are NOT lazy. You are sick. 

Thought Distortions

I couldn't see this at the time, that I was lying to myself. I didn't know how to fix it. I hated myself wholly and completely. I wanted to die and truly thought the world would be better if I wasn't in it. I had crushing guilt and shame for things that were not my fault. 

 

These type of thoughts are called a thought distortion. It's not the truth, but a truth that depression glasses develop in your mind. Depression literally takes a lie, and makes it feel like a truth! It's so painful! Your spirit and mind knows that they are lies, and that is why you feel tortured. 

 

Personally I also believe the enemy (lucifer or satan) and his followers use mental health to torture you even more. They know this is something you are going through and struggling with, and literally whisper continuously what a terrible human being your are. 

 

"Everyone would be better without you."

"You are such a loser." 

"Nobody will want to be your friend." 

"You are not worth their time." 

"You are trash. Just kill yourself already."

 

So if this is you... I invite you to STOP! 

 

You CAN stop torturing yourself. 

You CAN stop hating yourself. 

Seriously, if I can do it, I know you can. Read on! You can do this!!

Cognitive Therapy And God - Find The Truth

 

I learned how to do this through cognitive therapy and finding truth, with the help of God. 

 

God showed me how to knit the two together. When I first learned about cognitive therapy, I read Dr. Burns book called "Feeling Good" and he takes you through this exercise - kind of. He has you focus only on naming the thought distortion and writing down the correction to the thought distortion. 

 

After I did this a few times, suddenly God whispered to me "I'm trying to show you the truth." 

 

YES!!! I knew that is exactly what this was. From that point on, I always started this process with God. I asked for guidance, I asked for help, I asked for peace, and I asked for truth. 

 

Thoughts Are Slippery - Write Them Down!

 

The first rule to this exercise is to remember that thoughts are slippery. 

 

You need to WRITE this down.

After the first few times of doing this, you might start to think, "Oh, I can just quickly do this exercise in my head, it will be fine." 

It actually won't. You will be able to find some of the truth, but not all of it, and it will continue to bug you. 

 

It's like picking the top part of the weed in your garden. If you don't pull out the roots, the exact same weed will grow back. 

 

Thoughts are slippery! I got this phrase from Dr. Burns book. You won't be able to get deep into the truth enough if you don't write it down. 

This is why journaling is so powerful. That is why it is recommended by every therapist and most every religion out there. It's a way to help you mentally and spiritually. 

 

Writing is a powerful tool for mental health. 

 

As you calm and quiet your mind to write,  and you are able to trap the thoughts, examine them, and root out the lies and distortions. 

The truth will literally set you FREE!!

 

When you write these down, you don't need to keep it, but I find it helpful to look back at them time to time. 

 

You will need to do this exercise for EACH distorted thought. 

 

I know it sounds like so much work, and sounds even impossible, but you have to do it to get better! Believe me I understand. I have been where you have been. I lived with suicidal depression for 10 years. 5 other years of clinical depression.

 

When I was in the the worst of the depression - having four to seven suicidal thoughts a day - it felt nearly impossible to do this work. 

 

But every once in awhile I felt like I could, and I would always jump at the opportunity when I had the energy and ability to do it. 

 

You CAN do this! I promise! 

It really does make things better and easier to deal with, so the work pays off dramatically! It's more than worth it, you NEED to learn how to do this!! 

 

Give yourself lots of grace and love. Give yourself this gift. 

 

Give yourself the space and time that you need. 

 

You are doing the best that you can. 

 

It doesn't matter how long it takes to do this work.  

 

Finding The Truth

 

This exercise will probably take you about 20 minutes the first time. Once you get used to doing this, you can literally do it in under 4 minutes.

Make sure you are alone, and that you won't have interruptions during this process. 

1. Say a Prayer

 

First, I invite you to say a prayer, to invite the light of God or light of Jesus Christ to your mind. We are going to access the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth. He knows the truth of all things and can bring that truth to your mind. 

 

Literally, I want you to ask God to help you understand and find the truth. He will help you if you ask. 

 

I have found that I am able to more clearly hear God, when I repent of any wrong doings in my life. I ask for forgiveness, and then set myself to a goal of continually improving to be loving and kind to myself and to all of my brothers and sisters. For me, I'm trying to be more like God. I acknowledge the ways I have messed up, and give it to God. 

 

 If you don't believe in God, it's okay. Connect with what feels good and light to you (nature, the universe, the creator, etc.), and ask for clarity of mind and ask for light and truth. Ask for peace of mind. Think about the things in your life that are not working and that you would like to change. Think about those things you have done you are not proud of, but you would like to let go of. Ask for them to let go. 

 

 

 2. Prepare Your Paper

Grab a blank paper. Don't overthink this. It doesn't have to be in a pretty journal, but it can be. It doesn't have to have lines, but it can. It could be a napkin if that's all you have around! 

I really don't recommend a napkin if you have other means. It will be hard to write on and read! LOL! 😂

 

Draw a line down the first third of it, making two columns. 

 

Above the first column write "My Thoughts" 

 

Above the second column write "The Truth" 

 

 3. Find a Painful Thought - One Thought

 

Now take a few minutes to think of a thought that has been bugging you. A thought that is painful when you think it. 

 

It might be a thought that makes you cry or makes you feel like a failure or feel hopeless. 

 

Hone in on that experience you had in which the thought popped into your head. That really helped me figure this out the first time I did it.

 

Really, really,  dig deep and remember the EXACT thought you had. If you have never done this before, it's kind of weird, and kind of hard. Don't give up. You can do this!!

 

Once you start examining your thoughts, you might realize that you have too many to grab only one of them.

That was my experience the first time I did this. Once I thought about my thoughts I realized just how GOOD I was at torturing myself and putting myself down. It was hard to just pick one. In a matter of 5 seconds I had over 10 automatic "torture thoughts" that came into my head. 

 

Just bringing up all of my distorted torture thoughts, was super triggering and started sobbing. That's okay. They are really painful thoughts. 

 

First thing I want you to do is breath! Take a deep breath in for 4 counts, hold it for 4 counts, breath out for 4 counts, hold it for 4 counts and repeat. 

 

Giving your brain oxygen will help your spirit grab more firmly onto your body. It will clear your mind, and decrease your anxiety. 

 

Give yourself time, space, love and grace. 

Acknowledge that you are doing some hard work, and be proud of yourself for doing it.

I had no idea how many negative thoughts I actually was having! I was calling myself names, putting myself down in every and any way possible.

 

Now it's time to write the thought down, no matter how painful it is. Just one thought. 

 

You will write this thought down in the column that is labeled "My Thoughts"  

My Example:

 

For example, the very first time I did this exercise, the day before I was really, really struggling. I was losing it with the kids, yelling at them, and not being nice to my husband either. I was crying, like I would often do. I was overwhelmed, overstimulated, and super crazy angry and cranky. 

 

My sweet hubby, Greg, came up to me and gently asked "Are you okay?" 

 

With tears streaming down my face I choked out a "No." 

 

Greg then offered lovingly "Maybe you should take a nap. I think it would help." 

 

Suddenly I started sobbing! I felt crushing pain in my chest, my abdomen, and my mind.

 

My sweet husband just looked at me with such confusion. How did offering a good solution to this problem make me start sobbing?

 

Don't these moments just make you feel even more lonely? Even when your loved ones are so kind, and trying so hard, they just don't get it. 

 

I didn't even get it or understand at the time what was happening. It's all so incredibly painful!! 

 

I wasn't aware at the time, this pain and torture, was all because of the horrendously painful and untrue thoughts that were swirling around my head. 

 

So this was the first thought I picked and wrote down on my paper:

 

"I should not take a nap. I should be doing so many other things like cleaning the house, helping the kids with math, calling my mom, etc." 

 

By the way... please don't "should" all over yourself. 💩 

 

That is depression/the enemy's playground. 

 

Whenever you use should, please know it's usually a thought distortion. 

 

Now, if I find myself ever using the word "should" I will immediately pick a more truthful and kind way to say what I was feeling or thinking.  

 4. Writing Down The Truth

 

The last step is the hard one, but the one that will set you FREE!!! 

 

For years I had heard this quote, I read it in my scriptures. But I didn't understand it or really know it. I'm a very honest person, so I felt like I never really understood this scripture. 

 

But then I did this work... and WOW!! I got it!!  

Are you ready for this?!?!?!

 

Now it's time to write down the ACTUAL truth in the column titled "The Truth."

 

Don't lie to yourself in an over-exaggerated toxic positivity kind of way. Writing down something won't magically force you to be able to be that way or do that thing. Writing down a positive lie is just another lie and another distortion. 

Please don't do that.

 

For example, I wouldn't write from my example:

 

"needing a nap is all in your head. You have so much energy and ability, just get to work!" 

 

That is nonsense and a lie. That is not the truth. 

 

To access the truth, it will help to try to get into observation mode. You are not here to judge, you are here to just observe what pops into your head. This will usually cut out inappropriate shame and guilt. 

 

Instead of being in your thoughts, you will observe them. I love this image. I think it describes it perfectly: 

 

Pretend like a best friend or a close family member just told you about this painful thought they are having. 

 

How can you respond with truth, but with kindness, generosity, and love? 

 

How can you respond with grace? This is what you are striving for. 

 

For instance, in my case this is what my truth was. This is literally what I wrote down in the second column the very first time I did this. I wasn't seeking for the truth, but the truth is what I found. God was helping me even before I realized what he was doing:

 

"It's okay for people to take naps when they need it. A nap is a way to recharge your mind, your body, and your spirit. It's not helpful to overwhelm myself with the idea that this very moment my body needs support I'm trying to guilt myself with a list of 100 other things I need to get done. I am very sick. I am not able to do many things that I used to do. I'm doing the very best that I can. If I do nap, I will be a better mother and a better wife. If I do nap I will have more energy to help support my family and get more things done. So not only is it true I don't need to feel guilty for taking a nap, I want to embrace it from now on! This is a really important tool in my toolbox for me in battling depression." 

 

 

FREEEEEEDOOOOMMMM!!!!

 

Can you hear the yell of Mel Gibson, as he played William Wallace in the 1995 film Braveheart?

 

This work that you are doing is literally going to free you from that thought torturing you. It will literally free you from the lie, and from the distortion. 

I was not expecting this as all the first time I did this. 

Why was I not told how to do this from the time I was little???? EVERYONE should know how to do this!!!

 

When you write down a distorted thought, and do the work of finding the actual truth, it stops coming back and torturing you. 

 

The lie is erased. 

 

The distortion is straightened out and made clear.

 

The power of the lie is GONE! 

 

Light has been brought into the darkest part of your depressed and distorted mind! 

 

The pain of the thought distortion is GONE! 

 

Did you hear me??????

 

Your mind and spirit know the truth now, and you are FREE!!

The day after doing this exercise for the first time, I was in a similar state of needing a nap and literally starting to lose it. 

 

The thought popped into my mind "I want to take a nap now."

 

At first the automatic distorted thought that I have had in my head thousands of time came up: 

 

" But I shouldn't take a...." 

 

BAM!!! I immediately started thinking of the truth I had written down on the paper the day before. 

 

The truth replaced the thought distortion. The thought distortion was immediately gone! 

 

No crying. No torture. No guilt and shame that is inappropriate and a lie. 

 

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!?

 

I was absolutely stunned! 

 

I had more control over my mind then I ever knew was possible. 

 

 

Stop Being Mean To Yourself

 

I didn't know that this was a choice - to actually learn how to love myself again. But it is! 

 

Depression brings in the distorted thoughts, but you can dissolve them, as immediate as they enter your mind. 

 

Now that I'm 8 years into this work, I only have to do this exercise maybe once a month, if that. 

 

God does not want us to torture ourselves and put ourselves down. That is contrary to who we are.We are literal children of God. 

 

God works change in us in a kind and gracious way. He gently nudges us, showing us ways in which we can change and improve. 

He does NOT use torture, shame, guilt, and fire and brimstone to get us to change. 

He invites, encourages, and asks gently to follow Him. He asks us to love ourselves the way the He loves us.

 

Thought distortions are not of God. 

 

Thought distortions are lies and are mean. 

 

You can stop them! 

Name calling (a type of thought distortion) is not of God, and is mean, and are lies.

 

 

Do the Work 

 

The original thought distortion of feeling guilty for taking a nap... with all of my "shoulds" came even more briefly a couple of days later, and then the distorted thought didn't come again! 

 

Yes, you read that right. NEVER AGAIN!!! That is the freedom you get from finding the truth!

 

After a few times of the distorted thoughts trying to come back, because of how long I've had those thoughts, and how automatic they became.... they just stopped. 

I was beyond surprised! 

I was relieved! I had true hope for the first time in 6 years of being tortured by MY OWN MIND!!! 

 

The distorted thoughts become automatic if we let them. 

 

If we let them continue to torture ourselves with the shame, hate, and guilt, then these painful lies become our truth. 

 

Do the work! You can learn to love yourself and be kind to yourself. 

 

This process I have taught you, is something that you need to do with each and every distorted thought. 

 

 

Just like tending a garden with love, you have to root out the weeds, one by one. It does take effort. 

But it will get easier with each weed that you pull.

 

One by one, I root out these distorted thoughts that are really distorted lies that I believe.

 

One by one, I set my mind and spirit free with the power of truth.

 

It's such incredibly powerful to learn how to do this!! This work is so important to do throughout your life.This work is empowering. This work decreases anxiety, depression, and stress in your life. 

I used to say I suffer from depression. 

 

I now say....

 

I have depression but I no longer suffer from it.

 

Please join me in this work. 

If you need support, or have any questions don't hesitate to contact me. 

 

With Understanding and Love, 

Gwen